My life is interesting, isn't it?

this is my wishlist.:)

I havnt made the biggest effort in the world to start updating this more.
But i will.
and I will comment more aswell.
anyways.
this is whats new.


My friends.
they have changed quite a bit just recently.
alot of them are growing up.
and doing other things.
others have drifted off...
and I dont talk to them as much anymore.

but my bestfriends remain.
Sarah, Michael, Reuben and Caroline.
yes.
Indeed.
all of these kids are my saviors.
I have a unique ralation ship with each of them.

Other new things.
My phone is all disconnected.
so...
I have been really bored for the past week.
Its really hard trying to find stuff to do around my house.
I do go on walks though.
and music is always good.
but Im going though telephone withdraw.

My life is getting better.
I dont look at everything as a depressing issue anymore.
I like to laugh.
I like to smile.
I have become a happy person with the help of reuben.

man that kid is the shit.

haha.

I went to dani's house on thursday.
and saw a picture of him from the 6th grade.
I couldnt stop laughing.
Remind me to make fun of him for that..!

well I am off to comment.

still beating and shown to me.

Today was the worst.

I finally told Reuben...

How I feel about him...

That I have had a huge crush on him since forever...

So I guess I should tell you all the thrilling story...

Anyways...

I was walking with him after school...

And I thought about it being the right time...

I mean it felt right.

so I said....

"Reuben...Can I tell you something"

he said

"Anything"

[[pause]]

Then I couldnt help the awkward-ness and said

"Vagina"

[[Laughs]]

then I said

"no thats not it"

and he said

"Then what is it"

and I was like

"Reuben...I have had a huge crush on you for the past couple of months"

he said

"I kinda figured that."

[[pause]]

then I said

"but you dont feel the same right"

He sighed and said

"just different"

He saw the look of hurt upon my face and wrapped me in a hug and said...

"I love you...As a friend...You mean alot to me"

we stood there...hugging...untill he left for his bus.

I dont understand it.

He acted like he liked me in the same way.

But I guess not.

I dunno what to do anymore.

rejection is the worst.

Damn.

Today was very...

Normal.

like...

It wasnt good.

and it wasnt bad.

It was just there.

so yeah.

I am rather tired so I will update again tomarrow.

love you all.

I know I havnt been on in what seems like forever.

But I have been rather busy.

Dealing with some bullshit.

But thats fine.

I am gonna start updating and commenting more.

because thats just the kinda person I am.

In other news.

I am finally happy.

Reuben and I are friends again.

Which is radtastic.

I love that kid with all my heart.

I AM GETTIN SNAKE BITES

for those of you who dont know what that is...

Its two lip piercings,

on the left and right side of lip.

Reuben was the one to give me the idea.

So that is what I am gonna do.

I also gauged my ears to 6's.

I think I am gonna keep going till

I get to 00.

But Jack said it will make me look like

a retarded elf.

That kid makes no sense sometimes.

but I am gonna do what I want.

Me and sarah got in a fight not to long ago.

It was scary.

I thought it was over for good between me and her.

but she apologized to me.

and it made me uber happy.

Myspace is being a cock-biting fucktard. So I decided to post an entry.

So, Reuben left for New York today. He's not coming back till monday. But in Febuary he is gonna move there. I am pissed. I am gonna miss him way too much. I love that kid to death. When he leaves I will be nothing. And I mean that. I will have no purpose anymore. If me and him dont keep in touch...I have no fucking clue what I am gonna do. Shit.

Other than that today went the same as always.

Yesterday though, that was a riot. So me my mom and my brother erik are driving home from subway. My mom and Erik were fighting about something or other. Then I go,"mom, don't you think Erik's a man bitch?" My mom istantly yells at me not to call my brother names. Then like 2 minutes later she makes a wrong turn and Erik yells at her about it and she screams at the top of her lungs, "YOU ARE A MAN BITCH." To which I started laughing to the point I was crying. My mom couldn't figure out why I was laughing so hard and when I told her it was because she said "man bitch" she got mad at me and didnt talk to me for the rest of the night. Oh well.

I talked to Bryan yesterday. All goes well with him. He is enjoying college and parting it up. Man, I wish I was him. So anyway, we had a pretty intense conversation about Incubus, mom, and ciggarettes. It was great. I love him. He is the best bother anyone can ever ask for.

well tell me something I dont know about you.

this is him.
my boyfriend
(no, he is not in my room, he was at Sarah's house in this pic.)

Okay so I am going out with Anthony...? I mean, I am C.R.A.Z.Y about Reuben...But Anthony asked me out so I thought that if I said yes it would make it so that I wouldnt be thinking about reuben as much. But it didnt do anything. Now I just feel like a whore. I dunno what to do...I am trapped. I really dunno what to do. Like, I wanna go out with Reuben, but I dont wanna let Anthony down. GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what do you guys think of this pic?



I think it makes my face look weird but whatever. Its still my myspace default. So anyways...
I was soooo fucking mad last night, because of Reuben. I dunno I was just jumpping to conclusions, I guess. I love Reuben more than life. I dunno what I would do with out him. He is the first person in years to make me smile. Yes thats right. I have depression issues. what of it.

This whole thing with my crush on Reuben has gotten way worse. Everytime I see him I wanna cry because I know that I can't have him. And frankly, It pisses me the fuck of. No matter how hard I try to get him to like me or even notice me nothing seems to work. All of his friends say that he thinks I am awesome and all this other bull shit that I dont wanna listen to. I mean, If Reuben really thought I was as cool as Sedrick and Navar make it out to be, why the hell hasnt he asked me out yet. I have been thinking about asking him out but, the thing about that is...I'm afraid to. I mean what if he says no and like never talks to me again? I would be heartbroken. I wouldnt know what to do. I love this kid sooooooo much, guys....

Besides that my mom has been being a bitch. I dunno. I think she's PMSing.

Me and my best friend of 8 years, Caroline, are not friends anymore. I hate her. I hate her more than I have ever hated anyone before. The reason that we arnt friends anymore id because she was believing what people said. Like her ugly ass boyfriend collin was telling her this that and the other thing an she got pissed at me because she thoght I was talking shit. I mean, I fucking hate girls. Most of them are two faced. I hate them. Sorry if youre a girl dont take it too personal, because, in the long run anyone can build up a relationship with me. I cant hold grudges for shit.

So tell me, How the hell is your week going

wow. how long has it been? Jeeze. well I am gonna go ahead and fill you all in the life of paula.

Theres this guy and I really like him and I think hes gorgeous and everything. I love him to daeth. Hes like the only person in the history of the univese to make me smile my real smile. I havnt smiled for real in what seems like forever, but when I am around him I do. I dunno what to do. He's all I ever think about and its making me go crazy. I wanna be with him right no sooooo bad I can tast it.

other than that my life has been the same. I have learned to cope with the fact that I will never bee friends with the same people again. I hate them all. They can all go to hall for all I care. I miss the times I had with them, but not them, thats what makes me relise that I was never really "friends" with them anyway.

My mom is still being a cunt face whore about everything. I hate her she needs to die.

I am still really depressed about the death of Richard, but I am slowly getting through it. I think I need more time though. My therapist keeps telling me that it wasnt my fault, but I know if I was there that night he would still be alive. I miss him soooooooo much. He was my life. I know this sounds stuipid but whenever I am with that guy I mentioned earlier in this entry I feel bad. Is that weird?

well then, today was half good half bad but I am to tired to go into details, I'll just say that my old friends havnt gotten over themselves and are still being assholes aboeverything. I fucking hate them. They all need to die of HIV. In fact, I hope they do. Jeezzzeeee.....

god. today sucked. my life sucks. I think I'm gonna crawl under a rock and hide there forever.

well I am grounded forever.
I hate my mom.
Well things have been bad.
My fiend died two weeks ago.
Which sucks.
I miss him so much.
The sad thing is he shot up heroin and went on a really bad trip, slit his wrists and died.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I feel like it was my fault because I was supposed to hang out with him the night it happend.
but no.
I wanted to sleep.
He used to call me chuber, when i asked him to make me food.
He was a great cook, and I was like the only person to know that.
I lost my virginity to this kid.
That is how much I loved him.
god. Have any of you guys lost someone that close to you?

please comment to be added

well i have the common cold. Shit this sucks. Whoever gave me this damn cold, they're gonna be sorry. Argh. I cant stop coughing.

Its my brothers 14th birthday today and i have to go all the way across town to see him. I really dont fuckin feel like it. all I feel like doing is watching the tube and going on myspace and livejournal.

Collin and Caroline going out really sucks. I wanted to give him time when he broke up with katherine. He was on the rebound for nearly two days and he askes her out. I am hearbroken. But I still love them both regardless.

Please dont think of me as a whore but I also like Scott. Which is really weird. He likes me back, but he has a girlfriend. It's not that i am a boyfriend stealer it's just every nice, atactive boy I have met in the past year is taken. Its just not fair.

So far I have good grades in all my classes. Lets just hope I can keep it up. If I dont get C's or higher i cant go to minnesota. Which would suck balls. What would I do all summer?

I'm still grounded for hiding collin in my closet a few weeks ago. Let me tell you all the story. Well my friend Kyle came over to my place first and then I decided to call collin to brag that Kyle was at my place and not his. So then collin said he'd come over. so i said ok thinking it was stupid when i got off the phone with him because my mom already hates him because of his appearence. So ayways when he gets there me, Collin and Kyle all lay in my bed and make fun of my brother. Then my mom gets home and I yell at collin to hide in my closet. So he does and then my mom opens the closet door and screams witch causes collin to jump witch causes everything on the top shelf to fall on his head.

My new school is pretty cool. I met some new friends on the first day. Collin, Scott, Alexus, and Greyson. They all are pretty cool. Alot diffrent from my friends at cross. My social studies teacer mr.camanati is awesome. His favorite word is patrolium. That is kinda fun to say. actually, now that I think about it.
So, did anyone else hear that Steve Urwin died?